I'm No Girl Boss.
Two weeks ago, I was having a panic attack to my Greek husband. I was freaking out about the Society of Excellent Women Meet Up– I was convinced no one would show up, I was convinced I couldn’t get what I needed to done in time, I was convinced it would be lackluster and the people involved would feel let down and that the people who were rooting for me to fail would cheer and laugh.
Two days before the event, I was sitting at my kitchen table with my Greek husband while he asked me questions about certain details. I would push them off, or get stressed out, because I didn’t want to make any decisions without my co-host. She was the brains of the operation – I had no idea what I was doing. I didn’t want to put my ideas out there in case they sounded dumb. I hadn’t even fully shared details about the decorations I was working to make because I was sure there would be a strong possibility that they wouldn’t work out, that they’d look cheap or stupid.
My Greek husband listened to me rant, gave me some advice and continued to help me throughout the week. Come event day he was called into work so I went in alone, totally unsure of how everything was going to play out.
Spoiler: it went great. So many new faces, so many familiar ones. I watched new friendships forge and I got to introduce important people in my life to other important people in my life. I saw girls take a chance on something new and get rewarded. That night I crashed hard, exhausted from the day and the range of emotions I had felt in the past week.
The term “girl boss” is floating around a lot recently, which is great! I’m lucky to know so many women that I define as girl bosses, who are running their own businesses, taking charge of their lives and putting great things out in the world. I'm lucky to follow some really amazing writers, bloggers and artists who are putting amazing work into the world. When I think of "girl bosses" I think of these awesome women I’m lucky to know. They're owning their power and using it for good. They're working tirelessly to achieve their goals and they deserve recognition for their hard work and perseverance.
I don’t think I’ll ever describe myself as a girl boss. I have a blog. I take fun photos for Instagram. That’s basically the extent of my social media mavenhood. There are women out there doing amazing work, working their asses off to accomplish really amazing things – it just doesn’t feel right to try to lump myself in with them. My goals are my own personal ones – to grow my blog, to continue writing, to figure out what’s going on inside my head. They’re small goals, in the grand scheme of things. The point of them is not to grow myself in popularity, but to grow myself as a person. If people feel connected and inspired, I’m so happy, but in comparison to the boss women I know, I’m nowhere close.
Sure, sometimes I have moments where I feel like the coolest but then I remind myself that I work a regular old 9-5, that I’d choose hanging out with my dogs over any social gathering and that my blog is basically a glorified xanga. These aren’t bad, negative thoughts – they’re thoughts that keep me in check and help me feel grounded.
Working on The Society of Excellent Women has thrown a happy, albeit stressful, wrench in my notions. When we came together to start it, we didn’t have any idea that it would turn into what it is. We thought it would be a little thing that we did for fun – but the community responded and here we are four short months later, our first independent event down and ready to plan our next one.
Part of my freak-outs while planning this event dealt with the fact that I didn’t feel confident giving final say on any sort of decision. Whenever I would try to determine my “role” in the Society, I’d come up empty handed. Brittany’s the brains, Emma’s the executor and I’m… the one who posts outfit photos on Instagram? I couldn’t come up with anything. I volunteered to be there for whatever need be – to make everyone’s lives a little less chaotic.
And then two nights before the event, I was sitting at home cutting tissue paper and trying to organize my to-do list of what needed to be done. My Greek husband was asking me the same questions he had asked me earlier that week, but between work, life and jury duty, Brittany and I hadn’t been able to iron out answers yet.
“You need to make a decision on this,” my Greek husband told me, and finally I stopped panicking.
“We’re going to do it like this,” I began.
I laid everything I had out. I made decisions on a few things we hadn’t finalized. I got the information I needed. I completed my work for the night, texted Brittany to tell her I had finalized the loose ends that were still flittering about and went to bed. I was still nervous as hell but it was crunch time, I realized, and I needed to just fake it til I made it.
I’m beginning to realize that I need to work on addressing my struggle with self doubt with positive affirmations. There are going to be people out there who don’t like me, who are annoyed by what I do, who don’t think I’m authentic, who are hoping I fail. But for each of those people, there are going to be people who feel inspired by me, who feel thankful for what I share and who feel like they know me because of what I share. In the words of the patron saint of Galentine’s Day, Leslie Knope, “one person’s annoying is another person’s inspiring and heroic.”
I’m definitely no girl boss, but I put my heart into everything I work on. That’s something no one can discount and it’s something that I should be a lot more proud of.